Trump Releases Statement, Blames Media

FATBACK, La. — On the defensive again, Donald Trump is blaming faulty interpretations and lame-stream media bias for an uproar over his comments about the Second Amendment. He’s insisting he never advocated violence against Hillary Clinton and read a brief statement to the media:

‘If the media tries to tell the facts and set them into context, there’s just nothing you can do. Although with the Second Amendment people, maybe there is. Bigly. Ba-da-bing. I don’t know. But I’ll tell you what: that will be a horrible day. Or night. Sad!’

He then added, ad-libbing:

‘Actually, a lot of people are telling me that maybe it’s time to get rid of one of the first two amendments. I mean we have seven anyway. Am I right? You know what I mean. Get rid of one of the first two. Not the Second, though! They’d have to pry the Two Amendment from my cold, dead, and very small fingers. It’s a great Amendment. A terrific Amendment. And obviously, we’ll have to limit it. I’m not crazy. No. I. Am. Not. Crazy. Only the non-swarthy peoples will have it. Italians, I don’t know. We’ll see. But not the ladies, what with the milk coming out and all. Sad! Anyway, it’ll be a great thing, a really, really terrific thing. They’ll be people celebrating in the streets as that First Amendment falls. What was I saying? Where are my pants?’

As he was being let away, he seemed to shout the following:

‘Mother Russia! Snap-Dragon. Rosebud! Turtle Wax. Squirrel!’

He also appeared to be Tweeting.


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